(Sigh) "In case you don't recognize my voice even though I've left you a bazillion messages, this here is Big Mama Nature. Now listen up, 'cause this is the very last time you will hear ever from me. I've got plenty to say and times a'wasting.

"I'm not going to be Big Mama Nature no more 'cause y'all have done wore me out. After this message, I am so outta here.

" Now, before I go, I plan to gather up a few of my things to take with me. They were always mine, never, ever yours. You took for granted that my things belonged to you, but you were wrong! They were on loan so you might say it's Chapter 11 for you.

"I'll be taking all the birds. Every last one of them. Sparrows, ducks, egrets, gulls, especially the egrets and gulls. OMG! What you did to my seabirds is unacceptable. And then you went and gave my little chickies and piglets the Flu. Well, you won't get another chance to hurt my babies 'cause Big Mama Nature takes care of her own.

"I'm reclaiming the rain forests and all of its inhabitants. You never "got" their simple logic no matter how many times it was explained, so just forget about the rain forests. They'll be well protected under Big Mama's personal supervision and I won't need to worry about them anymore.

"The Mississippi River is high on my list. How can I not take the Mighty Mississip after the way you've treated her? She's crying out for my healing touch. The Great Lakes, the Colorado River and the Pacific Ocean are also coming with me. You can have all of New Yawk City and every drop of water surrounding it; it's way too far gone for me to fix.

"I had originally planned to leave the Gulf of Mexico thinking you had learned your lesson after my Katrina wake-up call. Who would have guessed that it wouldn't do a piece of good? Instead of helping with the clean up, you whined and carried-on like a bunch of wussies. And then you let the Brits come in and turn the entire Gulf into a deep fat fryer. I'm taking the Gulf. You don't deserve it.

"The beaches along the east coast of the United States are mine, mine, mine. It'll be another millennium before even I can get them clean again, but I'm not called Big Mama for nothing.

"There are a few mountain ranges I'll collect on my way out, the ones you haven't yet gotten around to leveling. You won't miss them since you stripped away their natural resources long ago. I'll rescue them before your bulldozers turn what's left of them into corn meal mush.

"I will be taking back the air you've been polluting for the last century, too. I need what little is left so that my birds can keep flying and my rain forests can flourish again. Chances are, even I won't be able to undo much of the damage you've done, but I'll give it a shot.

"Let me remind you that the minute I take back my air, all the clouds in the sky will vanish before you can say Boo Hoo! That's a fact, Jack. There will be no more clouds in the sky, but you won't miss them because you never bothered to look up anyway.

"I'm willing to leave the moon for now, but the sun goes with me. Don't even think about giving me any lip about that. I created sunrises to wake you up and get you going first thing every morning. Those out-of-this-world gorgeous sunsets? They were there for you to reflect on the beauty of nature. But you blew it, Bubba, when you took me and my gifts for granted. I am so not happy.

"You figured the sun would come up and the sun go down forever, didn't you? Well, you figured wrong. Now you'll have to remember what that lucky old sun looked like and how your skin tingled from its warmth. It can't replace the real thing but you can text the memory of it to your grandkids.

"I'll be back for some other things later, but you won't realize they're gone until you need them. That's when you'll be shocked to discover that they're no longer available for you to abuse. My guess is you'll feel more inconvenienced than sad. (sigh)

"I loved you from the beginning of time, loved you with all my heart. For eons, I forgave your negligence and overlooked your ignorance. I chalked up your indifference to human evolutionary learning deficiencies. I'm ashamed to say I forgave you over and over for your folly.

"But I cannot forgive you for the shambles you've made of my beautiful earth. I trusted you to love, nurture and protect it and I didn't think for a nano-second that you would destroy it. You have broken my heart. (Sigh)

"The human blueprint obviously needs tweaking and I wish I had it in me to take you back to the drawing board, but you have drained me bone dry.

"Don't bother trying to get in touch with me again. (Sigh) Since nobody bothered to answer my calls, I will not answer yours.

"It's not nice to fool Big Mama Nature."

Bleep!